(Applause)
Thank you. Thank you.
(Applause)
Ladies and Gentlemen, what we accomplished tonight in unlike anything that has ever been done in the history of American politics, if not the political history of the world. Tonight, the eyes of the world were turned to your fair state, and many of you took that opportunity to raise your voice in support of change.
(Applause)
Whenever people make these speeches, though, the always talk about the good times. If you’ve had your TV on, you’ve seen Clinton talk about how tonight was a victory for our party, you’ve seen Edwards talk about how his second place finish is a sign that we’re closer to bridging the gap between the two Americas, and you’ve seen Obama say that his victory tonight is a sign that there is hope for change in America.
Everything is not always rosy, though, and I’d like to thank the July family from just outside Ottumwa, Iowa for the battle they went through on behalf of my candidacy tonight. When it came time in their precinct to take a stand for the candidate of their choice, Frank and Sheila and David and Liz stood up and let the people gathered in the Agassiz Elementary School cafeteria know that their choice was Alex Jonathan Brown.
(Applause)
The caucusing continued, but the news for the July family was not good. The stance the July family took was not quite enough to qualify me as a viable candidate.
(Boo)
I know, I know. We’ve all been in that position before, though, when you take a stand based on what you believe in, and it turns out that belief just isn’t enough. Sometimes, hope just isn’t enough.
The question then becomes: “What do we do next?” Are you going to take your beliefs, your hope, put them in a bag, swing it over your shoulder, turn on your heels, step out of sight and try to get on with your life?
(Boo)
No, you do not, and that’s not what the July family did, either. You see, I wasn’t the only candidate that wasn’t quite viable just outside of Ottumwa, Iowa, no sir. Dodd wasn’t viable, Gravel wasn’t viable, Kucinich wasn’t viable, and Richardson wasn’t viable.
The difference between us and them, though, is that the Iowans supporting them were prepared to jump ship and go stand for Edwards, Clinton or Obama.
But not the July family. Sheila had a secret weapon, and it looked a little something like this.
(Holds up a pack of 5 gum)
That’s right, a pack of gum. Armed with nothing more than this, she went around to her fellow Iowans and began talking to them. She offered them gum, and began talking to them about the Brown plan, how we’re going to turn this country into a vegetarian nation, how we’re going to change the national pastimes to hockey and professional wrestling, and how we’re going to turn the Indianapolis 500 into a race only open to Mini Coopers.
And Sheila July, armed with a pack of low-calorie gum, was able to get those Dodd supporters, the Gravel supporters, the Richardson supporters and the Kucinich supporters to turn into supporters of Alex Jonathan Brown.
(Applause)
Because of the work of the July family, Alex Jonathan Brown became a viable candidate in Ottumwa, Iowa, and I’m proud to tell you that, because of Sheila and Frank and David and Liz, we came in fourth in that precinct.
(Applause)
Ladies and Gentlemen, we shocked the world tonight. With no fundraising, no press, and without me formally announcing my candidacy for the presidency, your support has garnered me one delegate from one of Iowa’s 1784 precinct!
(Wild, riotous applause. Joyous dancing. Spontaneous Kissing, like in that photo of the sailor coming back from the war grabbing a random woman in the middle of the street.)
Now, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The road to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue does not stop here, friends, this is just the beginning. From here, we’re headed to New Hampshire.
We’re about to start a revolution, friends, and it’s a revolution that’s going to see us take all this land we’re using to feed cows and chickens and pigs, the land we’re using to feed out food, and convert that land to feed our poor. We’re going to stop being a country that teaches it’s young women they’re supposed to be a size two, and is willing to look the other way if they’re killing themselves in pursuit of that goal we’ve thrust upon them, and we’re going to start treating them like they’re fine the way they are… which they are.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we’re on a path to change the world, and the next step in that path is a little place called New Hampshire.
Now, Hilary, John and Barack, I need you to listen to me. I’m coming for you, we’re coming for you, we’re going to start a revolution and you need to be worried because (holds up a pack of gum) we’ve got gum!
(WE’VE GOT GUM! WE’VE GOT GUM!)
